Lily's Garden & Butterflies

Every morning I log onto the computer before anyone else is up and I savor my morning coffee.  I'm an early bird and I enjoy the few moments of silence before the craziness begins.  Quite a while ago I subscribed to a 'quote of the day' - today the quote was so fitting.  How many of you are inspired by a daily quote?  My children even have to put up with me writing a daily quote on their bathroom mirror!  It's just one more way to encourage them to be the best they can be...even when no one is watching.

What did you do today that made a difference - the simple act that got you one step closer to greatness?

It's the little things you do
that can make a big difference.
What are you attempting to accomplish?
What little thing can you do today
that will make you more effective?
You are probably only one step away from greatness.
- Bob Proctor

Yesterday I bought this sweet butterfly at the store - it was specifically bought to hang on a tree in Lily's Garden.  This was my accomplishment today, nothing profound - but something for Lily.  With all of the 'things' to do on my list today I took a moment to hang Lily's butterfly.  Do you have a garden for your baby?  Have you ever thought about it?  I love to garden, Lily's garden is one of the happiest places in our yard - I love watching it grow - just like she would have...

Our "Rainbows and Butterflies" are the small miracles of our life -
the little things that are so easy to overlook,
yet so awe inspiring when we take a moment
to notice and to pay attention.
Give thanks for the rainbows, for the butterflies,
for all God's creatures - large and small,
for the bright blue sky and the soft fog and the gentle rain,
for the tree veiled in the season's first frost,
for the baby's laugh,
for the touch of a hand and the whispered "I love you."
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Ellersley & Her Mommy

Just recently I was fortunate to read Nicki's story about her sweet daughter Ellersley.  Nicki has started a blog called 'Love Always Leaves A Mark' to share her daughter's legacy.  Her story of loss is all too familiar to so many of us. I was so inspired by her strength and insight to live in love and joy through the darkness.

We have a daughter, Ellersley Grace Deem. She was born on Saturday August 13th, 2011 at 11:31 pm. Elle lived close to my heart for 29 weeks and 1 day then Jesus called her home. We had the most perfect pregnancy anyone could ask for and the doctors have said that what happened with Elle is impossible. We trust and believe that this was God's plan for our princess and she is living her life abundantly through her death. Like I said our pregnancy was absolutely perfect, no high blood pressure, no excessive weight gain, no clotting issues, no health issues with me or our sweet baby. Our 28th week came and we had our appointment on Wednesday. The doctor checked her heartbeat and said she had a very strong heart and she was looking perfect! We left that appointment so in love with our little girl just like we had always been and we were so looking forward to starting our 2 week appointments. That Saturday, after the appointment, came we were busy bees all day long. We had baby shower shopping to do; we bought all the decorations for her party and we could NOT wait to celebrate her little life! That night as we laid in bed I suddenly started bleeding. We ended up calling 911 and we were rushed to the hospital. The entire time a peace came over my soul and I just kept talking to God and asking him to keep me and our sweet baby safe. He gave me peace in place of fear. The doctors tried to find Elle's heartbeat and eventually they did but it was very faint. They told us that they had to do an emergency c-section right away, the baby had to come out. At 11:31 her little body came into this world. The doctors tried valiantly to keep her heart beating but our sweet girl lost her battle at 11:53pm. The doctors ended up explaining that I had a placental abruption and Elle lost too much blood to keep her little heart pumping. Our hearts were broken, we felt like our love was gone. She was our love, our love in it's truest state and she was gone. What were we supposed to do now? I can tell you that now, being 8.5 months away from Elle's birth, every day is a battle in my mind. I must choose Joy! I must live in the love and joy that I had with Ellersley and not the pain and sorrow that took her away. It is not easy and some days I don't live there. It is so difficult to think about the things that we should be doing each and every day and sometimes the silence is deafening to me and terrifies me in the deepest parts of my soul. I know that my God is near me every day and I do feel that there are times that he allows me to feel my sweet baby close to me. I feel that she is near when I see a butterfly flutter past me or when the warm wind blows in the summer breeze. She is our love and our joy, our firstborn baby. She will forever be cherished, loved and remembered...Hearts broke when your heart stopped beating, I don't know if mine will ever stop bleeding - Olivianna by JJ Heller

                                                                                                  ~ Nicki Deem

                                                                                                   Love Always Leaves A Mark

Share Your Story ♥

How many times have you wanted to share your story but were afraid?  I have shared our story with only a few - only a handful of my closest friends know the intimate details of what took place those five days in the hospital when I was being induced.  None of them know it all - only my husband, Lily and myself were there and I am not sure that I will ever be ready to fully share those moments.

Image found at Inspirational Images

As much as people tried they couldn't entirely understand the magnitude of our loss.  Not just what happened in the hospital but the days, weeks and months that followed.  I trust in my heart that they wanted to.  Some tried their absolute hardest - some actually helped me to smile amongst my tears - others angered me with comments like, 'I know how you feel' when they really didn't and they had NO idea.

The few that truly understood were the ones that had walked in my shoes and were still standing. They were the ones that had also experienced the loss of their own sweet baby.  A few of those people were already my friends - at the time of their loss I tried to understand how painful life was for them as they struggled to smile everyday because that is what people expected from them.  I tried to understand the pure emptiness they felt facing each new day without their baby.  I remembered their baby's Birthday - I remembered the Anniversary of their death.  I sent flowers, wrote notes and made donations in their memory.  As much as all those things meant I didn't realize the pain they felt every single day.  What I did realize is that I had no idea how naive I really was. 

Of course I am so appreciative of the people in my life who did make a difference, but - I am equally appreciative for each one of you who helped me realize that I was not alone.  My new blogging 'Baby Loss Sisters' opened my eyes to the reality that the rawness and emptiness I felt months after Lily's loss was normal, it was more than normal - it was okay and you helped me to see that.  Many of your posts were my 'Ah Ha' moments and I am so grateful for them.  Your frustrations were my frustrations, your secrets were my secrets and I was relieved to know that we shared them.

If you are ready, I would love to read your story.  I would love for you to share it and I will post it if you are ready to share with others.  It's a cold and rainy Sunday here, it's a perfect day for sharing, trusting and blogging.

Strength to you all my friends ♥

Guest Post!

Good Morning!

Please take a moment to read my Guest Post at Small Bird Studio this morning.  Fran, an amazing Baby Loss Momma invited me to share our LilyWraps and our unique story.

Her blog is so inspiring!

Don't forget to -LIKE- my Facebook page today for a chance to receive a free LilyWrap to donate to the hospital of your choice...just click on the tab to the right!

Enjoy this beautiful day ♥

LilyWrap Give-Away ♥

Good Morning Friends!

Are you looking for a unique donation for the NICU or the Labor & Delivery unit where your baby was born? 

Like my Facebook page on the tab to the right and I will enter you in a give-away for a LilyWrap of your choice.  I will custom package it for you with love and send it to either you or the hospital of your choice.  I will announce the winner tomorrow on my Facebook page.

Much love to you all ♥

The Heart

It was early morning, I was alone and my fever had just broke for the 100th time.  I was sweating and all I wanted to do was take a shower.  I walked out of my room down the long glaring hall for the first time.  All this just to get an elastic band from the nurse's station so that I could put my hair up when I took a shower.  When I turned around to go back to my room my heart sank, right there was the patient board and it had my name on it, only my first name but there it was with all those other women.  All in a matter of seconds I noticed that only one name looked different, only one name had a red heart next to it and it was mine.  I couldn't get back to my room fast enough, tears were streaming and all I wanted was to get back before I broke down.  If you haven't lost a baby you can't understand the magnitude of that moment, it was all so real that this really happened to us.  We really did lose our daughter, we really were going to leave the hospital without her and we really were going to go home totally different people. 

My eyes were opened wide that day, even though I am a NICU nurse I didn't even know that these tiny subtleties even existed.  How gracious I am that they do because that simple red heart had so many different meanings.  It meant that I had a private room for a reason, it meant please don't ask me why I am crying and most importantly it meant please don't congratulate me on the birth of my new baby. 

Now I wonder if that is why I put a heart next to so many things?  I never did before, I actually never liked them before and I found them kind of annoying.  I just realized that I write them often, maybe too often.  My husband has always put four hearts on any card that he has given me, one on each corner of the card.  Now, after all these years I see it that each heart represents one of our children.

What did your hospital do when you lost your baby?  Did they use a heart?  Did they place a teardrop on your door?  Was there a subtle way they let others know that you were experiencing your darkest moments?  I am so grateful for my heart and all that it meant ♥

New Beginnings

I certainly have learned a lot about blogging over the past few months.  Number one, it's a lot of work!  I have 1000 thoughts going through my mind everyday and of course they are not all about the blog.  ♥  One of my thoughts was to change the look of my blog and make it true to who I am.  Don't get me wrong, I liked the look of my other blog but it wasn't truly me.  This is me, anyone who knows me will agree.  Of course I have to thank Fran from Small Bird Studios for making my vision come to life, I Looooove it!  ThAnK YoU!  You will also see that our unique LilyWraps can be purchased right here.  I will custom package them for you and send them either to yourself or the hospital of your choice.   Thanks for reading today.  I wish you all a peaceful weekend ♥