If you ask me...

How I'm doing-
I would say I'm doing just fine-
I would lie and say that you're not on my mind-
-Gavin DeGraw

If you ask me how I'm doing-You would know that is not true.  My heart is heavy, it always is.  Some days more than others but-I'm never fine, sometimes-it's just easier-to say, "I'm just fine. " 

If you ask me how I'm doing-I'm never too sure how to answer your question. Are you asking me, "How are you doing?" or are you asking me,"How are you doing?"    There's a difference you know.

If you ask me how I'm feeling-I would honestly tell you that I don't think I know. I look "okay" on the outside but I am slowly unraveling on the inside - I miss her, I wish I could smell her, I wish I could touch her, I wish I knew her, I wish so badly she was here.

If you ask me how I'm feeling-I would tell you that I am angry. I am so tired of listening to people complain about things that are meaningless. If their life was changed in an instant do you think they would really care about those things?  They would quickly realize those things were just that - totally meaningless.

If you ask me how I'm doing-I would say I am overwhelmed. I love everything that I do but sometimes I would love to just take a breather from life, from reality, from responsibilities, from the computer.  I would like to just sit by the pool with a cold iced tea and admire the innocence of my children. 

If you ask me-"Are you going to try again?"  Please accept my apology now, that question leaves me speechless every time.  There are only a select few I have honestly told-We can't...

If you ask me-the details of that one, you won't get too far. It was hard enough for me to be truthful.  I long for another baby so bad it hurts.  Sometimes I am angry at the women who go on and have their "rainbow" baby. Please don't ever take that for granted, some of us can't.  It's huge to accept.  We were clearly advised, "No way, No how."   That one is still sinking in.

If you ask me- I'll tell you that not a moment goes by that I am not thankful.  Thankful for the life I live everyday.

If you were here...

 

Life has been so busy that I feel like every day is a blur.  My calender is on overload and I don't know how much more it can take.  Sometimes I feel like we are so rushed and life is passing us by too quickly. 

I've been wondering a lot lately what it would be like if you were here.  Does that sound so ridiculous?  It's not that I haven't imagined that 1000 times before -  but I wondered how I would do it all and have you in tow.  I had it all planned out in my head when you were growing strong - when my belly was growing and you were still sending me to the bathroom all the time to be sick!

I was looking forward to the quiet time of just us at home when the "big kids" were at school.  I had imagined how I would spend so much alone time with you; loving  you, exploring you and getting to know you.  I knew that would involve trips to the grocery store, cleaning & laundry but it was going to be just us. 

I knew that when your brother and sister's got home the craziness would begin but it would be okay - I imagined how they would run off the bus and smother you with kisses and tell me how you smelt so yummy.  I wondered who you would look like - if you would be enormous like your brother and I prayed that you wouldn't come so devastatingly early like your sister.  Daddy and I even talked about that a little, what NICU would we keep you in if you were to come early?  The one I work in or the one we call "home" - the one that your sister spent the first four months of her life in. 

Little did we know that a plan was already in place for you - for us and none of that would ever happen.  How does God plan that?  All of those "what could have been moments" in our minds?  Is that all just to protect us from the unknown?  A world so unimaginable except to those who were already living it?

The plan is nothing how I ever could have imagined it - now when I am home and checking things off my list I am still doing them with you - just in a different way I suppose - the only way I can.  I talk to you all the time.  Mostly when I am upstairs and I see all of your things, when I see you.  Now all of our plans don't matter anymore - that's all they would ever be...