Sunday, March 30, 2014

What I've Learned Since Lily Died ~ Three Years Later




I've learned that there are way too many people in this world like us   

...and I had no idea...

I've learned that nothing can change our path in life...

I've learned that I will never be able to make sense of what happened that night on March 13th when my water broke -again- I still replay it over in my head all the time, Why didn't I trust myself?

I've learned that my body failed me again and our baby should be here today...

I've learned that so many people think that Lily is part of our past, but they are hugely mistaken.  She is part of our everyday, our present and our future.  We will grieve her loss forever...

I've learned that after cancelling two appointments I could survive walking back into the Ob's office for the first time three years later.  Only you baby loss Mama's know the truth in that...

I've learned that after three years when I go to a delivery at work I still look at the room we were in every time I walk by and that will never change...

I've learned that all the bargaining in the world won't bring her back...

I've learned that my children think about Lily way more than I ever thought they did...

I've learned that they talk about her to their friends, I never knew...

I've learned that their friends think about her too, they even remember her birthday...

I've learned that some people will let you down, that some people will forget her...


I've learned that my own Mom doesn't remember her birthday...

I've learned that it's okay though because there will always be that handful of people in my life who "get it" without having experienced it...


I've learned that no one has the right to tell me how I should feel because they have no idea...

I've learned that nothing will ever make things better...

I've learned that we heal a little each day and that some days we regress but that's okay, it's all part of our journey in healing and it's the only choice we have...

2 comments:

Krystal Sullivan said...

I found your blog through another website. I lost my twin boys in January and I know these lessons too well. I'm sorry that you ever had to learn them.

April said...

Thank you for visiting Krystal. I'm so sorry for the loss of your boys and that you are walking this everlasting journey of healing.

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