Dads

After we lost Lily I got really sick...really, really sick and I was readmitted to the hospital and that's where I stayed for a long time.  Being so sick didn't allow any time to process the loss of our baby girl.  As a couple we were so focused on making sure that our children at home had some type of stability and trying to get me better.  Throughout all of this I didn't want to talk to anyone or see anyone except my husband and children.  Ironically I was right upstairs from where I worked in the NICU, so...I checked into the hospital "privately."  I didn't want to have to talk to anyone that I worked with.

My Soul Mate

I planned on writing most of this section myself and then realized that I am not the right person to be writing about how a Dad feels when he has lost a baby.  Take a moment to read below, this is how he felt.

When we are young there are so many things that are important to our daily lives.  As we grow older that list changes in many ways and hopefully you are lucky enough to have someone by your side to consider most important on that list. Once you have a child you learn you never knew how one can love something so much.

To lose a child is not something that you can prepare for. To hold my wife’s hand, my best friend, my soul mate and have a doctor tell us that our baby is going to pass away can’t be prepared for. To have a doctor tell you your wife, your best friend, your soul mate is so sick they are not sure if she will make it either can’t be prepared for. Not anywhere in life are we taught how to handle these things. We are left to handle them on our own. When your baby has passed on, your wife is deathly ill and three children are at home wondering when Mommy and their new baby sister will be home you find yourself speechless. For me speechless is quite rare, but here is just where I find myself.

Everyone expresses emotions differently. Some people like to talk about them, others through some type of activity such as reading or writing. Some of us may never figure out how to express them. I don’t think there is a right or wrong way. I’ve tried reading and within this I have read some incredible books I would have never read otherwise. I have tried writing but with that you need to have something to say and most days I just don’t.  It’s almost as if a switch is turned off inside your body that was labeled “Emotion”. A great big callous develops around the emotion piece of your brain preventing anything from getting in or out. Not a second goes by in the day when I’m not thinking “Why”.

I do not have the answer to my “Why” and I will never stop trying to figure it out. But I do thank God every day for blessing us with the time he gave us with our Lily and to know that one day I will see her, hug her and tell her Daddy loves her so much. To all the Dads, it’s ok to feel broken, but know that you are not alone. The sun will rise tomorrow.

             -Aaron

When I was doing all of my reading I came across a blog written by a Dad who had lost a daughter to stillbirth.  His blog is actually the reason why I have a "Dads" section.  There is so much concern for the Mom when she loses her baby but the Dad is just as heartbroken about the loss.  When you have time visit his blog, it's really amazing.

http://www.fathersgrievinginfantloss.blogspot.com/

Here is a poem that I read on his blog, it's powerful...

It must be very difficult

To be a man in grief,
since "men don't cry"
and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test,
And field the calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.

They always ask if she's alright
And what she's going through,
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"

He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
But "stays strong" for her sake.

It must be very difficult
To start each day anew.
And try to be so very brave-
He lost his baby too.
                                      
                                                     ~Author Unknown